What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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