so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
