Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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