Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
