I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
