Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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