I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize