I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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