I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I'm going to jail i love you
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
