Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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