At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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