My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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