Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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