News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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