Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
