I want to stick my p in your. b.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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