can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
