I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
