Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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