Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize