I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
