ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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