her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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