it hurts more in the daytime
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
