I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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