I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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