the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
