she woke up with a sticky ear
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
