you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
