All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
