I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
They took my balls.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
