I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
