that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
that's an acceptable place to lick
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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