Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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