Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Damn victory sex feels great
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
