Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
