we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
