The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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