Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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