I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
