mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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