her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
