so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
