I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
