I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
