Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
