people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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