i just sent this text using only my big toe
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
