At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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