Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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