I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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