cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My underwear smells like fireworks.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I did not marry a roomba.
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