My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Pants are for mortals
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
