i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
