Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize