I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i dont even know how to be here
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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