It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Everything about him screamed your future.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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