I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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