also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
